Unhindered Conversations: Pinoy Moms on Gender-Neutral Parenting
The demand for inclusivity means teaching your kids how to be accepting from birth. Read on to find out why gender-neutral parenting is on the rise.
What Is Gender-Neutral Parenting?>
Raising Gentlemen>
The Natural Progression>
Gender-Responsive Parenting>
The Other Side of the Coin>
Parenting today is more varied than ever – you have the tigers, the snowplows, the helicopters, the granolas, and even the jellyfish. A rising subset among these styles is gender-neutral parenting, an approach that aligns with society’s growing focus on gender inclusivity.
In a largely conservative country like the Philippines, gender-neutral parenting seems like an impossible task. Facilities and resources are barely equipped to handle gender-agnostic demands. For example, uniforms remain split between skirts and pants; then there are sports, bathrooms, and even language (Lady Guard, anyone?). Still, despite the uphill climb, many modern-minded parents are giving this approach a shot. We spoke to some of them to see how they’ve surmounted the challenge, the effects so far, and why it’s all worth it.
What Is Gender-Neutral Parenting?
The term “gender-neutral” was introduced in the 1970s. Actress-activist Marlo Thomas produced a children’s edutainment show that celebrated gender, individuality, and empowerment. Back then, gender-neutrality was a concept that prompted kids to reach for their dreams, pushing past any supposed gender-based boxes.
When the understanding of gender became more diverse, the definition of gender neutrality grew as well. In terms of parenting, it is divided into two primary approaches. The first stayed faithful to Thomas’ original idea. In this case, parents motivate children to play and explore without being bound by gender stereotypes. For example, daughters can play with trucks while sons can take ballet.
The more progressive method involves not assigning children a gender until they’re mature enough to decide for themselves.
Either way, proponents of gender-neutral parenting believe that it introduces more holistic development, free from gender bias and stereotypes. A University of Michigan paper argues that this child-rearing philosophy helps families identify and nurture universally desirable human traits and enhances relationships between the binary genders.
Raising Gentlemen
Jane Alba* falls in with U-M's research. She believes that gender-neutral parenting would help her two boys treat women better. “I gave birth to my first son during the #MeToo movement, so I wanted to raise boys who would be empathetic and respectful of women,” she explains.
While Jane raises her children according to their assigned genders at birth, she intentionally chooses to be more liberal with how she runs her household. “I emphasize that chores are meant to be done by their dad, me, and the helper. I even bought them a little stove and kitchen as well as cleaning toys to teach this,” she shares, adding that she buys toys based on the kids’ interest, whether it’s a doll stroller or a train set. She also never enforced that pink was just for girls and blue for boys.
“I tell them it’s okay to cry instead of saying ‘man up,’ to be in touch with their feelings and to express themselves,” Jane says. It doesn’t hurt that she is a seasoned Brazilian jiujitsu player and consistently shows her kids that “mom is just as strong as dad and can beat him in a match.”
The Natural Progression
For writer and lawyer Anna Bueno, gender-neutral parenting came so naturally to her and her husband that she wasn’t aware the concept existed.
“I didn’t know there was such a thing as gender-neutral parenting. I only knew I wanted to raise a child who was gender sensitive and would be an ally of the LGBTQIA++ community,” says the mother of one.
That she and her husband don’t fall into traditional parent roles only reinforces their conviction. “Ren (my husband) has always had stronger caregiving tendencies, which have nothing to do with gender. It’s about who he is as a person,” Anna explains, adding that their role as caregivers precedes roles specifically for nanay and tatay. “For me, he’s a father who also does the work of ‘mothering’ as we understand that term in society – sometimes even more than me.”
Anna believes that language plays a crucial role in shaping this consciousness in children. She’s careful about adding to preconceived gender notions.
"I try not to describe other people like ‘Hey, she's a beautiful girl.’ I say, ‘Wow, there's another kid who wants to be your friend!’” Anna demonstrates. “I also try not to focus on my physical appearance when I talk to her. Also, I don’t say that mommy does these things because all mommies do them. I try to say, mommy likes doing this. Period.”
Anna thinks gender-neutral parenting shouldn’t be any different from raising children to respect people regardless of situation. “It's not something we ask the child to ‘do,’ it's more like showing your child, as a parent, that gender boundaries are constructed boundaries, which sometimes do not make sense.” For her, it’s a parent’s responsibility to try to let go of those boundaries whenever possible.
Anna wishes that one day the term “gender-neutral parenting” will cease to be a trend or even a factor of child-rearing. “We hope there’s no more gender gap or discrimination in the future. Gender-neutral parenting should be inherent in childcare. It should just be trying-your-very-best-to-raise-a-good-child parenting.”
Gender-Responsive Parenting
Like Anna, Aila Yonzon believes a natural disregard for traditional gender roles helped her and her husband become more responsive to their children’s genders.
“We don’t associate tasks with gender. For example, I don’t cook or clean. My husband used to do both before we got helpers. We both also hate patriarchy, so it was a conscious choice to avoid enforcing masculine stereotypes,” Aila clarifies. “Gender-neutral parenting simply means allowing our children to explore who they are and pursue what they are interested in without being boxed in by society's expectations.”
The Yonzon children were encouraged to pursue their interests and wear whatever they felt comfortable in. There was also no demand to behave in ways generally considered masculine or feminine.
Despite these efforts, Aila confesses that they still had a lot of unlearning to do, especially when all three of their kids came out as queer: the eldest a trans boy, the second non-binary, and the youngest, a gay cisgender boy.
“It was fully embracing our children’s queerness that we struggled with. We had to contend with realizations like no longer having a daughter. My husband was hit hard because he loved having a Daddy’s Girl,” Aila continues. They also had to train themselves to use the proper pronouns.
Then, of course, there were the societal challenges. “Homophobia and bigotry are still very much a part of Filipino culture,” she adds, revealing that many of their social media posts on non-traditional gender views often receive flak. “The Philippines is still very traditional and trapped in archaic attitudes towards gender roles. Internalized misogyny is prevalent, so a lot of women defend patriarchy without realizing how much it hurts them.”
Aila admits being anxious for her children. “It’s already tough enough for them to come to terms with their own gender identities without having society cast judgment upon them,” she shares, adding that they introduce their kids to queer and other more liberal communities, so they don’t feel alone.
“The truth is gender-neutral parenting comes easy if your focus is your child’s happiness,” Aila says. “Allowing our children to explore what they want and what makes them happy without restricting them based on gender expectations is very freeing.”
The Other Side of the Coin
While the LGBTQIA++ community has made strides in acceptance, not everyone is willing to dive in right away.
Another mom of two boys, Ina Policarpio* says she doesn’t believe in raising her kids based on their preferred gender or no gender at all.
“For me, there are only two genders. But I teach my sons two things: kindness and respect,” she shares. “I teach them what’s right and wrong based on science and facts guided by faith. It’s the basics that we build their characters on.”
Ina insists they remain polite to everybody, even members of the LGBTQIA++. “We have friends and family who are gay, so they know it’s not a joke. They should never laugh at a gay person.”
“When my sons grow up, they can decide what right and wrong is, but you need to start with the proper base,” she adds. Currently, she considers gender expansivity a fad but one that still deserves courtesy.
While she and her husband disagree with some of the tenets of gender fluidity, they fall back to their general guideline: “Our rule is kindness and respect over being right. We don’t teach our sons to hate. We want them to be gentlemen who respect others.”
Gender-neutral parenting has a long way to go in the Philippines, but inclusivity in various degrees has become a pillar for many moms, dads, and guardians. Sensitivity starts with small steps and the best way you can teach your child the necessary values is through example.
Demonstrate respect and kindness in all the things you do – and don’t forget you as well. Show your kids that self-love knows no gender by taking care of yourself. A study in Current Psychology about gender and life satisfaction reveals that regardless of sex or cultural background, self-worth is the secret to feeling contentment.
“Our research shows that despite these differences, the main determining factor is universal, and it is self-esteem,” it states.
So go on, don’t be afraid to show your kids that you appreciate an extra five minutes in the shower. Enjoy lathering up that Dove Biotin Hair Fall Rescue Shampoo to counter the hair-pulling stresses of parenthood. Wash up with Baby Dove Hair to Toe Rich Moisture Wash just because you deserve some pampering. Boost your confidence with closeup Gel Toothpaste with Antibacterial Zinc Red Hot. Do little things to emphasize that your preferences matter.
Gender-neutral parenting may not be for everybody at the moment, but these mothers all agree that respect is a cornerstone of child-rearing. You’ll learn the ideal parenting style for your family as you get to know your kids. Just do your best, Momma!
*Names have been changed at the request of the individuals.
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